Fixing for a friend

I'd like to fix you up with a friend of mine. I told her that with the advances in plastic surgery, you wouldn't be half bad.

How guys let girls pay on date

Your intoxicating beauty has made me forget my problems, my inhibitions, my wallet. Would you mind picking up the check?

A Woman's Little Instruction Book

• If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
• Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
• Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
• A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
• If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
• Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
• A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
• Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
• Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
• Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
• There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you can still use them.
• Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
• Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
• There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
• Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
• If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
• All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
• If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
• Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.
  

Seminars for Males

Seminars should be conducted exclusively for males to teach them on the following:

• Combating Stupidity
• You, too, can do housework
• PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
• How to fill an ice tray
• We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
• Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
• Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")
• Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
• Get a life -- learn to cook
• How not to act like an jerk when you're obviously wrong
• Spelling -- Even you can get it right
• Understanding your financial incompetence
• You -- The Weaker Sex
• Reasons to give flowers
• How to stay awake after sex
• Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
• Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
• You can fall asleep without "It" if you really try
• The morning dilemma if "It's" awake. Take a shower
• I'll wear it if I damn well please
• How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet")
• "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
• Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are BS
• How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
• The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
• Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
• Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
• Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
• Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
• You too can be a designated driver
• Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!")
• Changing your underwear -- It really works
• Techniques for calling home
  

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up, the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you just how much I love you. I chose these because I noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons up front, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales girl I bought these from showed me a pair she has been wearing for over three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try them on for me and she really looked smart in them. I wish I could put them on you for the first time but no doubt other mens hands will come in contact with them before I have a opportunity to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little wet from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love,

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the next year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

Cat & dog dating

Someone actually responded to your online personal ad. A German Shepherd wants to have you over for dinner. Whatever that means.

Impressed girl

I'm impressed. It usually takes a man a lot longer than one date to be this comfortable with me.