A Man's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom

1. Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
2. Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room.
3. Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4. If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
5. Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
6. Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
   ** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.
7. Wash hands.
8. Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
9. Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
10. Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11. Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."
    

Ethnic Dating

• A CAUCASIAN WOMAN
  First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
  Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
  Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
• IRISH WOMAN
  First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
  Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
  20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
• ITALIAN WOMAN
  First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
  Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
  Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
  5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
  6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
• JEWISH WOMAN
  First Date: You get dynamite head.
  Second Date: You get more great head.
  Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
• POLISH WOMAN
  First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
  Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
  Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.
• CHINESE WOMAN
  First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
  Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
  Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
• INDIAN WOMAN
  First date: Meet her parents.
  Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
  Third date: Wedding night.
• BLACK WOMAN
  First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
  Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
  Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
  Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!
• LATIN WOMAN
  First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
  Second Date: She is pregnant.
  Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
  

100 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Woman

1. We can get laid anytime we want.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
3. We piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk.
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg.
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.
7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep with them.
11. Men light our cigarettes for us.
12. Men hold the door open for us.
13. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!).
14. We're cuter.
15. We lie better.
16. We're better manipulators.
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves- you guys get the couch.
18. We always have food in the fridge
19. We don't worry about losing our hair.
20. We always get to choose the movie.
21. We dont have to mow the lawn.
22. We dont have to take out the garbage.
23. We dont have to paint the house or walls.
24. PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men.
25. Cosmopolitan
26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.
27. Men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold.
28. PMS is a legal defense for murder.
29. Men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever.
30. We can masturbate more in a day than men.
31. 2 words- multi orgasmic.
32. We dont have to constantly adjust our genitals.
33. Sweat is sexy on us.
34. We never run out of excuses.
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.
36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the game too.
37. We get expensive jewelery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men fuck up so often.
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.
40. Women are cleaner.
41. Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didnt know).
42. We're better arguers.
43. We dont always have to think with our genitals.
44. Massage!!!!
45. We're better parents.
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men.
48. We're flexible.
49. When women get pissed we dont destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can.
50. Menopause- thank god we're not capable of having children after we're 50.
51. Menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex.
52. Men in uniform.
53. There is no penis envy.
54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's no messy clean-up.
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.
57. We often get to cut in line.
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts- men DONT.
59. Better tips.
60. Women who dont wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting.
61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank god for long pants and perfume!
63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.
64. We dont have excessive amounts of body hair.
65. We dont spend 45 minutes on the toilet.
66. Men will pay us for sex.
67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesnt make us sterile.
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.
69. Men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want.
70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.
71. Women sweat less.
72. Women smell better
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards - a blowjob and sex fixes all.
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.
75. Women dont get the humor in the three stooges.
76. Women have three accessible holes.
77. We don't get embarassed when buying tampons.
78. We're better gossips.
79. We have better fashion sense.
80. We're better shoppers.
81. We dont have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.
82. Our friends dont pick on us if we arent sleeping with anyone.
83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you).
84. We're all sittin on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.
85. We dont have to drive when on a date.
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just fucked.
87. Women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line.
88. Women know how fake it.
89. Women look better naked.
90. We know that rhythm doesnt only pertain to dancing.
91. When women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're just short.
92. Women do less time for violent crime.
93. Women dont have to worry about not being able to get it up.
94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night.
95. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep, ok, then bye"
96. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.
97. Women never have to see combat.
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.
99. Women are sexier.
100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!
     

100 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me).
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
     

25 things women want to hear

Bear in mind the following 25 things that women want to hear while dating:

1. Gee, Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is you.
2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway. (Huh?? - ^v^)
7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the Super Bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
9. Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far down your throat.
10. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
11. While you're up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.
12. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
13. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
15. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
16. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
17. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
18. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
19. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
20. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
21. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
22. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
23. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
24. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
25. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
    

10 things not to say to your girlfriend's parents

10 things not to say to your girl-friend's parents on the first time you meet them:

1. My parole officer thinks Sarah has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Sarah to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it those jerks at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7. Sarah is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sarah's will be okay too.
10. Can I put my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
    

10 Ways to Know You Have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-dating."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
    

9 types of girlfriends

Whether you are dating a 18 yr old girl or 99 year old woman, your girl will always fall into one of the following categories.... Funny!!!

1. Ms. Nice Girl
   "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!" Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze or Doormat.
   Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
   Disadvantages: May wise up someday
2. Old Yeller
   "You spineless good-for-nothing drag-arse no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady or Warthog from Hell.
   Advantages: Pays attention to you
   Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
3. Sickly
   "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite." Also known as: Whiner, Mewler or Grumpy.
   Advantages: Predictable
   Disadvantages: Contagious
4. The Bosser
   "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain or Yes Mom
   Advantages: Often right
   Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
   "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical or Aw C'mon Honey.
   Advantages: Easily soothed
   Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6. Wild Woman out of Control
   "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena or Passed Out.
   Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
   Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7. Huffy
   "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at." Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg or Snarly.
   Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
   Disadvantages: You will have no friends
8. Woman from Mars
   "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship." Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News or Artistic.
   Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
   Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
9. Ms. Dreamgirl
   "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection or Gorgeous.
   Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
   Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
   

9 types of boyfriends

Whether you are dating a man or a boy, he will always fall into 1 of these 9 types of boyfriends list:

1. Joe Sensitive
   "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg or Snugglepup.
   Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
   Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
2. Old Man Grumpus
   "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover or Jerk.
   Advantages: Stays put; predictable
   Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt
3. Flinchy
   "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff or Hey you.
   Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
   Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
4. Bigfoot
   "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk or Big 'n' Dumb.
   Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
   Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
5. Lazybones
   "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket or Drug Addict.
   Advantages: Well rested; easy target
   Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
6. The Sneak
   "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime or Son of a Bitch.
   Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
   Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7. Ace of Hearts
   "After I wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova or Monster.
   Advantages: Perpetually aroused
   Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8. The Dreamer
   "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon or Bag of Wind.
   Advantages: Tells good stories
   Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
9. Mr. Right
   "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect or Jim Dandy.
   Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
   Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
   

Sharing what's on heart

Another funny cartoon where a man is sharing his thoughts on a date with his beloved saying, "If I could live my life over, I wouldn't change a thing, especially diapers".

Funny cartoon about online dating

The above cartoon is about online dating & for people who would want to do everything on the internet. It reads - I prefer online dating. Deleting someone with one click is less exhausting than a long & painful breakup.