Fixing for a friend

I'd like to fix you up with a friend of mine. I told her that with the advances in plastic surgery, you wouldn't be half bad.

How guys let girls pay on date

Your intoxicating beauty has made me forget my problems, my inhibitions, my wallet. Would you mind picking up the check?

A Woman's Little Instruction Book

• If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
• Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
• Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
• A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
• If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
• Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
• A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
• Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
• Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
• Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
• There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you can still use them.
• Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
• Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
• There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
• Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
• If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
• All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
• If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
• Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.
  

Seminars for Males

Seminars should be conducted exclusively for males to teach them on the following:

• Combating Stupidity
• You, too, can do housework
• PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
• How to fill an ice tray
• We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
• Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
• Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")
• Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
• Get a life -- learn to cook
• How not to act like an jerk when you're obviously wrong
• Spelling -- Even you can get it right
• Understanding your financial incompetence
• You -- The Weaker Sex
• Reasons to give flowers
• How to stay awake after sex
• Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
• Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
• You can fall asleep without "It" if you really try
• The morning dilemma if "It's" awake. Take a shower
• I'll wear it if I damn well please
• How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet")
• "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
• Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are BS
• How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
• The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
• Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
• Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
• Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
• Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
• You too can be a designated driver
• Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!")
• Changing your underwear -- It really works
• Techniques for calling home
  

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up, the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you just how much I love you. I chose these because I noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons up front, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales girl I bought these from showed me a pair she has been wearing for over three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try them on for me and she really looked smart in them. I wish I could put them on you for the first time but no doubt other mens hands will come in contact with them before I have a opportunity to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little wet from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love,

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the next year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

Cat & dog dating

Someone actually responded to your online personal ad. A German Shepherd wants to have you over for dinner. Whatever that means.

Impressed girl

I'm impressed. It usually takes a man a lot longer than one date to be this comfortable with me.

Passionate for a date

See this cartoon in which a person is so passionate to find a date online - he says, "I promised myself I wouldn't shower, shave or get a haircut until one of these online dating sites got me a date. It's taking a lot longer than I thought."

Dumping a date

Ever seen how would a passionate girl dump a date. See this cartoon in which the girl is dumping her boyfriend using a big balloon with 'Never Call Me Again!, You Loser!' written on it. The girl then says to the boy, "I'm dumping you, Frank. But a letter just wasn't satisfying enough."

Advice from Men to Women

• Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
• If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
• Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
• Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
• Please don't drive when you're not driving.
• Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
• The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
• When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
• What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
• When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.
• When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
• The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
• SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
• Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
• If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
• You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
• It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
  

Homely date

The guy in this cartoon seems to be pathetic where the girl says, "I'm writing a letter describing you to my mother... how do you spell homely?"

Get back online

Here's a dating cartoon in which the girl says to the boy, "Let's go back to meeting on-line. You're much better looking there."

I love you through fax

People have become so dependent on technology that even dating is not far from it. See the above cartoon where the guy says, "I did say I love you. Didn't you get that fax I had my assistant send you?"

Airplanes Versus Women

• Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
• Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
• Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
• Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
• Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
• Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
• Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
• Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
• Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
• Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
• Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
• Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
• Airplanes expect to be tied down.
• Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
• Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
• However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.
  

Understanding girls

The above cartoon shows that no one can understand girls. The girlfriend of a guy is saying this for a famous poem to him - 'Roses are red, violets are blue, you wanna get a burger, or something?' How romantic, it must've taken you hours to write this.

First Date

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle a curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman. "My son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

Get lost you loser

This cartoon depicts the many strange & unique ways of dumping partners. Here, the girl wrote an email address Getlost@youloser.com to her partner to which he says Getlost@youloser.com is a strange email address. Are you sure you wrote it down right? Poor fellow... doesn't know about dating and the various ways of dumping partners.

Biological Differences

Even though we can now explain differences between men and women's social conducts genetically (that's the best excuse I've heard for years), several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet...for instance, can you explain why:

• Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.
• Men drive to a party, women drive back.
• Heterosexual women are not frightened by lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals -- once they are pointed out to them, by women.
• Men have flu, women have colds.
• Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.
• Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: (e.g. drink a cup of coffee.) In the same time a multitasking women can make breakfast, make the children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and DE-flea the cat. Women have not yet realized this is an evolutionary disadvantage.
• Men warm their posteriors at the fire, women do not. Women's posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor, men's do not.
• A man who regularly visits his mother is a mommy's boy. A women who does the same is a good daughter.
• A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult women will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a nightgown.
• A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo system.
• Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.
  

Cat approval for dating

Is a cat's approval required to start dating someone? See the above cartoon and decide, saying, "Sorry, Frank, but we could never work. My cat obviously doesn't approve of you".

Talk about me

How rude of me. I've been talking of myself all night. I haven't given you a chance to talk about me.

I like dating you

Of course I like dating you, silly. All my girlfriends find you unattractive, so I know I can trust them around you.

Give phone number to women

I'm certainly no expert on the matter, but there must be an easier way to get your phone number out to the women in the city.

Suing the dating service

I'm suing the dating service who fixed us up. An appearance by you would certainly help my case.

Better update dating site

This dating site I'm on better update their site. There's a woman on here who's looking for someone to take her to the premiere of 'Gone With The Wind'.

Remembering the old days

See in the above cartoon how an old man is remembering the old days saying, "You're more beautiful today than you were the day I met you. You had a really big pimple that day".

Will a girl accept a guy for who he is?

Will a girl accept a guy for who he is.?! Follow this funny dating cartoon which reads - Of course I can accept you for who you are. You are someone I need to change.